A frequent complaint of Western men (who were burned) in a relationship with a Filipino woman is that she was only ever interested in his money and not truly in love.  I mean, it couldn’t possibly be that he was an entitled and whiny beach who expected her undying adoration while producing minimal returns, right?  She was supposed to love them like their dear mother who had let them live in the basement rent free for thirty years!

And you think I’m exaggerating.

Part of the problem (which is not a problem for those who understand the arrangement) is age-gap.  My wife and I have a difference in age that is normal or within several years of each other.  But frequently there is a gap of decades in these pairings and these men marrying women that are young enough to be their daughter (or granddaughter) don’t seem to get that she didn’t marry him for his charm or charisma.  She is hoping for a bit of financial security and her happiness will depend on his ability to deliver.

Many are aghast that Bill Belichick, 73 years old, would dare to enter into a romantic relationship with a 23 year old Jordan Hudson.  They say what business does a man his age have to date this young woman?  Isn’t it exploitative, an illegitimate relationship?  But they hate it because it exposes the reality of love.  Sure, the young cheerleader and old coach is extreme on the age scale.  And yet how is it any different from a 5′ tall 100lb female who picks a 220lb 6′ male rather than a guy that is her own size?

Women Instinctively Marry Up

We all love those “living on a prayer” stories about two people surviving together against the odds.  And certainly there is an element of this type of spirit that we will needed to sustain love through thick and thin.   But, as my wife put plainly in our discussion of this, “You can’t live on just love.”  The practical is not as glamorous, we prefer not to see the crude mechanics that are always working beneath the surface.  And yet a man must deliver if he wants to have her adoration for more than the first year of marriage.

We don’t hear anything about Joseph when Jesus was an adult.  He’s already out of the picture.  And it is probably because he was older (maybe a widower) when he married Mary, a teenager, and died.  Traditionally an older and thus more established man was considered to be safer.  He already had his land and house.  He could provide support for her children and had a reputation going before him that younger men did not.  Why take a chance on an unknown commodity when there’s man who can afford to care for his new bride?

And despite the egalitarian push in the West women still want to marry up. High earning educated women do not lose this tendency towards hypergamy.  Sure, maybe they will settle for less, but prefer the man who can provide more.  This, incidentally, is why my pursuit of the impossibly failed, as she put, “You’re thirty years old living in Milton.”  Or, in other words, I lacked the size of ambition and type of social status she was into.  And, shallow as it sounds, this is just the honest truth.  Men marry youth and beauty, women marry size, strength and status.  

Potential Drives Attraction

Young women marry the poor young man’s potential, but all want financial security and physical protection.  While men, no matter how old or pious, appreciate women who of fertile age.  Men marry her potential to bear children.  This is reproductive instinct.  Even if both parties in a sexual relationship are not consciously interested in offspring—this is what drives their behavior.

While the Belichick and Hudson pairing did raise my eyebrows and likely would not be possible if he wasn’t worth 70 million.  I’m also guessing they do have a few points of compatibility.  It is possible, you perverts, that they really do enjoy logic that much and have stimulating intellectual intercourse.  In the end, it doesn’t matter if your ideal says otherwise, you’ll always need to give something in order to get—nobody is going to fall in love with you for simply existing.  

Whether it is paid in cash up front or in IOUs of our future potential, we all must pay the bride’s dowry or move on.  If you’re old or ugly it is going to take a lot of money for her (and her family) to make her interested.  Only the young men can win by promising her the moon.  Of a certain age and you will need to deliver those goods up front.  

Hide this reality under layers of your storybook romantic fantasies and feelings of meant to be—love is transactional.