There are questions that frame an issue the wrong way and are only answered by asking another question.  One of them is: How can you raise another man’s son?  The only real question for me is how could I claim to love my wife and then not love HER children?  

Maybe I simply look at the world differently from other men.  But the initial question to me comes off as sounding like “how can you love another man’s daughter?” Answer: “Well, we are the same species and it just happens naturally, I suppose?”

I believe the real issue is when someone is looking at step-parenting from a detached or deconstructionist view.  In this framing it is all about biology and evolution.  In other words, we should be like lions who kill the offspring of male rivals, not raising them as our own.  It is a sort of Social Darwinistic construct where a man should only ever be concerned about raising the product of his own immediate genetic insemination.

But I think this is truly a very naive view of human relationships.  We get along with our relatives as far as we relate to them and not after we DNA test them for our paternity.  It is the same for my son and I.  Probably a bit over six years ago I met this goofy kid with a bit of a crooked grin.  He was endearing to me for his energy and his incredible ability to make friends anywhere.  And, a few years later, when he asked me if he could call me “Daddy,” the die was cast.

The thing is, when I learned my bhest had a son I knew any romance with her would be a two for one deal.  It was never a question for me.  I did put considerable thought to it, worried more that this young person would accept me for this important role.  

There was assurance, along the way, that helped me settle my worries and came from a stepdaughter who absolutely adored her stepfather.  She told me that the fact he had choose to love her like a daughter made it a special love.  Good step-parents don’t make a mistake when they bring a child into their lives.  By contrast, there are many biological parents who become parents because they were unable to control sexual impulses.

In conclusion, my question is to those who ask the question: How could you not love a beautiful child, a wonderful miracle of life, who makes no judgement of you for your own multitude of faults?   A child can form attachment to any adult who loves them as a parent loves and the same works for men who are committed to love.

Despite our variety of gifts and superficial differences of appearance, we’re all genetic cousins.  My wife comes from the opposite side of the world, like our son, yet we are a couple very much compatible.  Sure, there are differences in cultural expectations, or personality conflicts that come along, but it is really what you’re willing to put in as far as building the bond that matters.

If you could not love or even raise a child simply because they aren’t genetically your own then my only advice is to step up your game.  Any man, who still has a functional reproductive system, can impregnate fertile women.  That doesn’t make him a father or worthy of raising a child.  No, it is always a choice to take responsibility for the needs and future of another unique individual.

It was our joint love for Ydran that helped us to push through years of waiting.  If it were only the future of two adults going separate ways would have been easier.  But when he called me “Daddy” on the phone, something changed in me and after that there was no way I would simply abandon him to fate.