Is the ground you stand on sacred simply because you’re standing on it?

We all have this idea that the way we do things is just normal and right. And yet a future generation is likely to look back at us as being primitive or weird. One example? Courtship gets a bit wild a few centuries ago. Some things that were acceptable even a century ago today would likely land someone in jail.

Where I started down this rabbit hole? I was contemplating the age of my great-grandma was married. She was fifteen, as I recall, and tied the knot with great-grandpa when he was in his twenties. And yet, what fed my curiosity is my wife’s grandparents—Igorots on the opposite of the world from my German Mennonite heritage—were also of similar ages and age gap. Later that day I stumbled upon a story of the founder of Hagerstown Maryland and the account of his marriage is very similar as well.

By a modern American standard the men in these three cases would certainly be guilty of statutory rape. I mean, technically, back then it was legal if you were married. But, as of May 2020, there’s a minimum age of 18 years old to obtain a marriage license in Pennsylvania. Sure, most other states are more lenient, in this regard, with lower age of consent and less restrictive laws as far as “child marriage” (or anyone who is still under eighteen) and yet it would still be considered very taboo.

This shift in standard is likely economic in origin. Marriage was a much higher priority in the past.  A young woman remaining in her parents home, from an agrarian cultural perspective was more of a liability than an asset.  Back then a man was expected to be established—to have his land or home—whereas his wife would simply have to be of reproductive age and need to be able to do her domestic duties.  Neither of them were going to college or on trips around the world. It was all about being practical and propagation.

But, moving beyond age related weirdness, the historical courtship practices get even more bizarre…

Bundling and Bontoc Igorot Courtship

Before the two words “platonic cuddling” would ever come together there was this practice called bundling. I had known this was a practice of ultra-traditional Amish, to letting a courting couple share a bed before marriage. But apparently, at one time not too long ago, it was not just the Amish and had been common in colonial America.

Officially this was just so a courting couple could share a little warmth in the bitter cold and talk innocently with the protection of a board in the bed between them. However, reality of a 30-40% pregnancy rate for brides in New England tell a slightly different story—this wasn’t all about chaste conversation or a mere exchange of some body heat from appearances.

So did parents just not know any better or was there an intentionality just not spoken about?

Anyhow, I had thought of bundling only after discovering something even wilder that was a feature of my wife’s Igorot culture a century ago prior to the arrival of American missionaries. And that’s this: 1) Around the age of puberty their young people would leave the home of their parents to go live in youth dormitories. 2) Suitors would go visit the girls at night and pair up. If two became fond of each other (or the young woman became pregnant) then they would 3) enter a “trial marriage” prior to a more binding or permanent arrangement.

Given this would be less acceptable than head hunting in a purity culture perspective (my default) where young women so much as talking to their male peers is considered flirtation and a risk of being defiled, I had to collect my jaw from the floor. Allowing, let alone encouraging, a group of teenagers to experiment sexually in a communal hut is simply appalling at all levels of conservative community in the modern United States and also in liberal society generally where teen pregnancy is anathema.

Although, that said, it sounds sort of like an American university experience—at a much younger age.

Let’s Get Biblical, Shall We?

Protestant fundamentalists, the biggest of the pearl clutching prudes, love to claim the Bible as their basis. And, at least up until their cult leader was doing the cover-up of the Epstein scandal, these people were all about “saving the children” from pedophile elites. Muhammad’s child bride is the perfect excuse to bomb Muslim babies.

However, if Biblical pattern and precept is our guide, the world of romance would look quite different from our own. You had the whole thing of a virgin there to be the heater for a declining king David, a bold move Ruth made on Boaz snuggling at this older man’s feet to get his attention, there is the historically estimated age of Mary (the mother of Jesus) when impregnated and, finally, Rebecca according to the math that is below and Jewish tradition:

The Talmudic tradition puts Rebecca’s age at  3 to 4 years old when she was married off to Issac. Other contemporary scholars, citing her ability to draw water for camels as evidence and cultural norms, suggest she would be closer to 14. Either way, this age and age gap (Issac being 40) is a far cry from a Western standard and is certainly not something I could endorse even as a free thinker. But apparently it was just the way things were in this Biblical culture.

The Pot Calling the Kettle Black

The big question is what we do with all this information. Do we relax standards? Do we double down on restrictions?

Honestly, I don’t want my son going through my own experience (a virgin until 40) which was not very pleasant for someone seeking intimacy. But I also don’t want him to father a child before he’s ready for a responsibility like that or in a committed relationship.

It is also very easy to critique foreign and ancient cultures without seeing the faults or failures of our own.

But the increasing amount of incels (young men who are involuntarily celibate) and the birthrates collapsing all over the developed world, we may need to consider what we’re doing wrong as well. Abortion and birth control rather than children—pornography addiction and a hookup culture that gives fewer men a privileged position at the exclusion of others—all adds to this toxic brew of modern courtship or the lack thereof. There will be a corrective whether it is naturally occurring (extinction) or intentional intervention.

In the end, our own sacred ground of a “normal” courtship is little more than shifting sands, ideal shaped by economics, culture, and survival needs across eras. From the Biblical brides to colonial bundling mishaps and the Igorot trial marriages, what once passed for romance now would raise eyebrows—or may even warrant handcuffs. Yet, as we pearl-clutch over the past, our own era’s cocktail of delayed intimacy, digital isolation, and plummeting birthrates hints that perhaps future historians may view us as the true oddballs: a society that engineered its own procreative drought in the name of progress.

Perhaps the key isn’t to rewind the clock or tighten the reins further, but to acknowledge that no culture or era has a monopoly on wisdom? Let’s aim for a discerning path—one fostering connections that are consensual, responsible, and timely—promoting human connection without unrealistic expectations before the incel armies and empty cradles force a hard reset. After all, if history can teach us anything, it’s that romance, in all its weird forms, will evolve.